Looking to feel guilty...a new mom's new worry?

Read Ask Moxie today and someone commented that they were glad they documented via a blog so they could remember those tough times (and the dates/times they happened).

Since last Friday, we've been working on sleep training with Cash (13 weeks/3 months).  Before then, we were starting to see patterns in the co-sleeper and in bed with us.  Matt was also starting to get concerned with space in the bed and that Cash might fall out/off when he was on the outside in order to feed on that side.  I was concerned because he would sleep for 5 hours, then wake every 1 or 2 after that to nurse back to sleep (even though I knew he didn't "need" the feeding).  Although I didn't mind sharing my space in bed, my back was starting to hurt from arching it when he kicked my legs (I hate my legs/feet being touched at night).

Friday was his first night in the crib and right now (it's Tuesday), the details are blurry (already).  I started to read Ferber on Sunday and on Monday night we started the "cry it out" method and actually followed it (and didn't cave and bring him to bed, or bounce him, or try to soothe him back to sleep).

Since I can actually remember the details of the night... here goes:
He wanted to go to sleep around 7:30, so we read a book (Good Night Gorilla) and he nursed.  I put him down asleep but he woke/stirred when I put him in the crib.  He stirred/whimpered for about 3-4 minutes and was asleep.  Score!  He slept like a champ- until about 11:30pm.  We let him cry, in his crib, only going in to comfort him on the progressive waiting approach (it ended up being up to about 20 minutes between comforting attempts because he would often quiet down for 3-4 minutes and then start back up again).  He cried (off and on) until 1pm.  Then I fed him (per his "normal" routine pre sleep training) and he put him back in his bed (he was passed out).  He slept until 4:20 or so and then woke crying.  Again, progressive waiting to comfort and he was back asleep by 5:10.  He woke (no crying, just a little whimper) at 7:15.  I went up to get him- and got the. biggest. smile.  Good Morning!

Tonight's the second night of hard core Ferber method, and it's going well.  I put him down (totally not asleep tonight, but we went through our night time routine, but he was being feisty with the boob) and he cried for about 6 minutes, and then he passed out.  It's now been 2 hours, and he's still asleep.

The funny thing is that I feel great.  I keep thinking I should feel guilt, I should be looking for or seeing signs that I am breaking trust with my child, that he is going to hate me or not want to be near me or something.  But I don't.  I feel like a new mom- invogorated and excited to be with my kid.  Excited for bedtime.  Excited for morning.  Even looking forward to that middle of the night feeding. 

I never thought I would be that parent who would let their child cry it out, let alone at 3 months old.  It's still too early to shout from the rooftops, but damn, I feel great about this.  Naptime is a  different story, but I feel confident that we can work on that too.... when he/we are ready.

Here's to many good nights and good mornings and good days.

3 months

Dear Cassius,

3 months seems like forever now.  You are growing more and more each day.  New movements, new laughs, and new cries (but they are still incredibly loud). 

You survived your first plane ride and your first visit to Iowa in December and you did great!  The plane trips were a piece of cake for you, but you aren't going to fit on my lap much longer.  You loved up on your Mimi Tanner and you were carried around a ton by Karsyn and Elle.

You are now sitting up a lot more.  You love to sit on my lap after eating and watch the world around you- especially if there are babies nearby.  You can sit up almost unassisted for a few seconds before you fall forward or to the side.  You just tried your Jonny Jump-up the other day and I think you really dig the new vantage point.  From there, you can watch your parents' crazy dances and your dog.

You are also moving your hands more and sucking on them.  You squeal in delight, you squeal to talk, and you babble a ton.  You had a doctor's appointment this morning and you rolled over when I put you on your tummy.  I'm not sure if it was because the table was slanted or what, but you did it with ease from both sides.  I'm putting you to the test when you get home. 

Speaking of getting home, you are now spending a few hours with Lyndsie and Haven each week in preparation for February when you are hopefully going to be spending a whole day there while I go to work.  You seem to like it.  I just hope you don't give Lyndsie too much trouble.

Your smiles are as big as ever.  You really, really love your mama right now... and for some reason, you seem to scream at your dad when your mom is around.  But if you are with him solo, you two have a great time together.

OH.... and big news!!!!  You started to sleep in your crib, in your room, all by yourself.  I'm not convinced we are there 100%, but you slept for most of the night last night in your room.   I hooked up the ipod and you listened to the likes of Norah Jones, Jerry Garcia and David Gray as you snoozed.  Your dad insisted we hang the 100 Dead Songs poster above your bed, so we did that last night.  Maybe you'll start having some psycadelic dreams soon?

Cassius, you are a joy in my life.  I love you more and more each day.  I think I can say that will be true for a long time to come.

With hugs and smooches to the cheeks,

Mama

PS.  15 lbs, 6 oz as of today- you are huge!

Babies 1st Holiday Season

So it's offcially the 3 month anniversary of your birth, and although I should be writing you your 3 month letter, I'm going to try to get caught up and recap the holidays, before they get a little blurry (and boy do things get blurry past 20 minutes (or 5 minutes) ago). 

Your first holiday season is one to remember (and you won't and I don't remember it all), but it was jam-packed.

We ventured to Iowa on your first airplane ride to see your Mimi and had all kinds of plans to see other people in your life, but the weather didn't cooperate. So you got to meet your cousins Karsyn and Kinley and you got to spend some time with Mimi, Vic an Elle.  You did manage to see Boots and Charlee but you slept through most of that.  You were carried around by just about everyone, including Karsyn (though you are practically half her size).  You trampled through the snow to walk the crazy dogs, you got your picture taken outside while huge, white, fluffy snowflakes danced around us, you fell asleep in your cousin's swing with your arms gripping the sides (it was too cute), you slept on an air mattress for the first time, and you opened your first presents (and you weren't interested in the slightest).

Our trip back to California was fantastically uneventful after all kinds of delays and issues, but we made it back and your schedule finally got back on track.  Brett and Jody arrived and the whirlwind of time with the family began.  You spent a full day with your Grandma Peters and Great Aunt Sheryl and a full day with your dad (and he loved every minute of it and raved how fun it was!) while I worked.  You went on a crazy hike (it was crazy long for your mom, at least) at Briones, you visited Uncle Yu's for the first time and you made it to Course #4 of New Year's Eve before your dad insisited that we go home.

You did get a few cool toys to play with and your toy "box" is nearly full... and that's about all I can remember.  Here's to a great 2010!

Grandparents and Good Byes

My grandparents had always been a part of my life.  I had all four of my grandparents when Matt and I met, at the age of 23, which was awesome.  With my Grandma Miller's passing last week, they are now all gone. 

While Good Bye's are hard for most, the good byes of my grandparents have all been "easy".  They were all at the end of their lives (all over 80, and all after failing health) and saying good bye really was a relief to end the suffering.

Cassius never got to "meet" his grandparents but he did get to Skype with his great grandma Miller in early December.  Maybe Skype will be old news when he is old enough to ask about them, but I still think its a cool memory. 

I think I'll try to write about each one so he can know of them through my memories.

2 months

 

Dear Cassius,

You are now 2 months old.  You are growing so much and are more fun each and every day.  You smile at both me and your dad on a regular basis... though your dad thinks you smile at me more (which I have to agree and it pleases me to no end!)

I can't lie- this newborn stuff is tough.  I think most people write all the positive things about their babies lives, but I'm going to be straight with you... and give you the good and bad, so that one day when you have kids, you can tell them about how difficult of a baby you were and will know that it's payback.  (PS.  Your dad was a needy/fussy child too, so we're getting the payback too!)

Things about you that generally drive us batty:

* You cry, really, really loud.  You are by far the highest decibel crier in any room with crying babies.

* You have a very narrow comfort zone and are not afraid to let us know when we've stepped out of it.

* You will only sleep in my arms (not your dads for the most part), in a wrap/carrier, in the car or in the stroller during the day.   You often have to cry through my showers, because, sorry- mama needs a shower sometimes.

* You are a bit difficult to get to bed at night.  You like to fall asleep on the boob, but the second you are moved, you jolt awake with smiles and wide eyes.  That's so not cool.  You have to be put down to sleep multiple times.  In fact, I'm writing this between those times.  It's a bit frustrating.

* You seem to have some acid reflux/gas/inner issues.  You writhe and moan after many feedings and often wake up after a short period of time due to these issues.  

But now... on to the flip side of all those things.

* You smile the biggest, cutest smiles.  You coo.  You even laugh or chuckle sometimes (we think).  The chuckle comes as some pretty funny times too.

* You enjoy music.  Your dad sings to you.  Your grandpa sings to you.  Your mom kinda sings to you while making up verses/words that don't rhyme.  When people sign to you, you are generally content.

* You are starting to "sit" in our laps and watch the world.  You hold your head up and look around for longer and longer each day.  Today, we caught video of you in your Bumbo chair.  You actually seemed to enjoy it.

* You love the outdoors.  If/When you are fussy, once we go outside, you generally stop.

* You pet your dog.  When Sibley comes near you, I take your hand and pet her.  You both seem to like this.

* You love to be out and about.  Most of the time you crash and go to sleep, but you seem to be much more settled when we are out and about.  You have many people around us fooled... they think you are so quiet and chill... but you let us know differently at home.

Since my last letter, we celebrated Thanksgiving with the Peters family.  Uncle Brett and Aunt Jody came from South Bend.  They are a little weary of babies (I think) but you still got a little cuddle time in with them (while you were quiet).  You went out on your first disc golf outing on Thanksgiving Day.  I wore you in a carrier and we worked with Sibley while your dad, Brett and Jody played disc.  You were sleeping throughout much of social hour, but the second (literally, the second) I sat down at the Thanksgiving Dinner table, you started to wail... so your dad and I ate dinner at the kitchen counter while I swayed back and forth to keep you quiet.

Just an FYI... Your stats at your 2 month appointment:

13 lbs. 9 oz- 96th percentile (PS.  I think these percentiles are stupid, but whatever)

24.5 inches long- 98th percentile

Your head circumference was 40 cm- 66th percentile.

I guess you are going to be one big boy with your mama's peanut head.  Good Lord!

Even though you are fickle thing, we love you dearly.  Your soft chubby cheeks are perfect for nuzzling.  Your big hands and feet are perfect lint traps.  Your smile lights my world.

Love,

Your mama

Booty

Does this picture make my butt look big??

Oh, just adorable???  That's what I thought.

Peace out,

Cassius

Thanksgiving

There is so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite holiday because it's all about family and food... two of my favorites.  It turned out to be one of my favorite weekends ever.  Here's a rundown:

The weekend began on Tuesday for me when Cassius and I went over to Moraga to make some desserts for the weekend.  Sue and I made a Caramel Apple Pie and Pumpkin Ice Cream pie.  Cash was in the wrap the entire time- sleeping, of course.

Brett and Jody arrived that night.

Wednesday, Brett, Jody and Sue picked Cash and I up and we all went to Berkeley.  First stop was Cultured- the Pickle Shop.  Brett and Jody (and Sue) love exotic food, so they enjoyed all the fermented stuff.  I tried a dill pickle, but that was it.  Cash slept through the entire thing.  After the pickle shop, we headed to my kind of shop- Ici, the ice cream shop!

I had one of the best ice creams ever- Brown Sugar Oatmeal Raisin.  So delicious!  Cash slept and ate in the sling the entire time!

Matt met us in Moraga for lamb meatballs (can you see a food theme here?) while I enjoyed my Mango sausage since lamb is not on my favorite list.  Still, it was a great time and enjoyed the Caramel Apple Pie a day early- yummy!

Thursday we enjoyed a morning together, and then headed back over to Moraga for a round of disc golf and Thanksgiving with the Bennetts and the Robbins.  Chuck and Marby's son is engaged and Beth and Collin are pregnant with a boy!  Yeah!  The food was delicious but Cash didn't really want to cooperate at the table!  He woke up just as we were sitting down, so Matt and I ate in the kitchen and I swayed and walked to keep Cash quiet.  After some Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream (amazing!), we headed home.


Friday, Matt and Brett went into the city with Bacony to play disc golf at Golden Gate Park while Jody and I went up to the Glenview to get pedicures!  We both got variations of red- which is a rarity for me, but festive none the less.  Sue stayed at home with Cash, where he proceeded to sleep in her arms the entire time!  We went back over to Moraga for leftovers and then came home and crashed.

On Saturday, we went to Pacifica to the beach and the pier. It was Cash's 2nd trip to the beach since his birth and his first to the pier and he, again, slept the entire time.  We finished off the evening with Sushi at Samurai Sushi Boat.  Cash was actually awake for the entire time and content looking at the lights.  At Samurai, they sing dim the lights and play some funky music to celebrate people's birthday.... after the 1st celebration, the waitress came by and was worried about him, but he did just fine. 

Sunday was a lazy day at home filled with sleeping in, a bit of shopping and putzing around the house.... A perfect and busy weekend, in deed.